What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?
by MrPresident
Summary: The first two words say it all, 'I do.' - *Updated* Now contains chapter eight and...nothing else. [Warning:B/X from the very start]
1. He Can't Start A Story Like That!

**What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?**

****

Chapter 1 - He Can't Start A Story Like That! 

"I do."

"I hereby declare you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

The kiss was one of those fairytale kisses that only happen in Hollywood romantic comedies. If a rousing musical score were added no one would have thought it out of place. Maybe the musicians might have got in the way of the ceremony but then that is just me speculating.

*****

"I can't believe that you actually got married. Not that I thought you would never get married but ever since Anya I thought…but you don't want to hear that." Said Willow.

"Just say congratulations, Will." Xander said, with a calmness that is so often lacking in his voice.

"Congratulations." 

"Thanks." 

Xander and Willow moved towards and hugged. She turned her head towards him and whispered something into his ear to which he nodded solemnly. Then they parted and Xander turned to face Giles.

"I don't know what to say."

"You're not going to do a Willow, are you?" This remark earned Xander a glaring look from his red-headed friend.

Giles smiled and removed his glasses to wipe them. After he had done that he put them on and looked back at Xander.

"I'm proud of you."

"Thank you."

There was a slight bit of nervous tension between the two as they both tried to figure out what they should do. This usually happens when two men are put in this kind of situation. It doesn't matter how close two men are they are still faced with the eternal question, to hug or not to hug. Now this problem doesn't seem to affect women, they hug everyone and everything, often with only the minimum justification. 'Oh, your cat died' – hug. 'You broke a nail.' – hug. 'The waiter brought you the wrong meal.' – hug. And so on. However for men there is no definite hug situation. It doesn't matter whether your mother died, your wife left you for the nurse who helped you recover from third-degree burns you got when your house burned to the ground, or that the world is about to be destroyed by a thermo-nuclear bomb. In all these of situations the same question would be asked by the men, whether or not a hug is appropriate. And so this cosmic question now fell onto the two men standing opposite each other at the wedding reception, Rupert Giles and Alexander Harris. 

It was Xander who was the first to move. He slowly but noticeable moved his right arm from its original position by his pocket up by his waist. Giles saw and understood what this meant. The question had been answered and the result was a handshake. Whether Xander felt that this was the more suitable thing to do or whether he thought that is what an Englishman would expect, we shall never know.

After the handshake the three of them stood in silence. Willow was looking at Xander with a newfound admiration, Giles was considering whether he should clean his glasses again and Xander who had a huge grin on his face was thinking about the day's events.

Then Giles, deciding not to clean his glasses, looked over and asked, "Where is…"

"Over there." Willow, instantly knowing to whom Giles was referring, pointed to one of the corners of the room.

"Is it me or does it look like she is undressing?"

"It's just you. Although she does seem to be in a spot of trouble."

"I better go over and help. Or maybe I should wait for her to undress. No, I better go help."

In the corner of the room there was a woman, who was seemingly being attacked by a large white dress. Xander walked over in her direction to see if he could help.

"You know, they never tell you how hard it is to go to the toilet in one of these things."

"I wonder why."

Buffy smiled and looking into Xander's eyes mouthed, "I love you."

"I love you too."

**End of this chapter. Please read again if you missed the hidden message about you-know-what. **

**_Author's rather large note__: Chapter two is coming up. When I say coming up I mean that I am in the process of writing it as you read this. Well maybe not if you are American, as I will probably be asleep when you read this. But then again you may be reading it at a weird time and it might be possibly that I am writing it as you read. Anyway, it is being written and I should warn you it might not be what you expect. If you are a regular reader of mine you may be assured to know that it will not (hopefully) but as off-the-wall (as someone once described my writing style) as many of my other works (particularly my short stories. Man, I don't know what I was on when I wrote them). However I'm sure there is bound to be some off-the-wall elements (I am currently toying with the idea of giant radioactive monkeys but it is surprisingly hard to find an adequate plot device in which their presence could be justified). But the idea behind this story is that it will be more about the basics of storytelling (i.e. love, romance, giant radioactive monkeys, action and adventure). For the non-regular readers of mine (and that is my polite way of referring to you) then you should be prepared for inappropriate__ humour__ and bizarre plot turns. Also there is always a healthy dose of parody in all my Buffy stories. And finally I hope that the coming story is enjoyable for all of you to read. If it is not then tell me so and don't be afraid to insult me and/or my father (my mother is off-limits). Of course I may find out your address and come round to burn your house down but that is a risk you take with every review, good or bad. I can't think of anything else to say at the moment so I shall leave you to either carry onto the next chapter (if it is written) or go back to your porn sites.    _**


	2. Yesterday

**What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?**

****

Chapter 2 - Yesterday 

_***** = Ellipsis _

****

**_(Before)_**

Xander was sitting in front of the television watching some crappy sitcom about 20-something characters and "their lives". After another over-the-top joke he decided that he had had enough so he reached for the remote and pressed the off button. His apartment fell both silent and dark. And he just sat there, thinking. This was exactly the sort of thing he tried so desperately to avoid, to be left alone with his thoughts. When that happened his thoughts always eventually turned, as they frequently do when you are alone, to lost love. In Xander's case this meant Anya. Whenever you make a decision there is the potential for regret, when you leave someone at the altar that potential is greatly increased. It had gotten to the point that Xander had forgotten why he had done what he did and he couldn't for the life of him think of any reason that would justified his actions. He knew that she hates him now and he couldn't blame her. If someone did what he did than it would take a hell of a person to forgive him and Anya certainly wasn't that person. Still he sat there alone looking at the now blank television screen, thinking. 

*****

"Willow it just isn't the sort of thing that you just get over." Came the response from Buffy.

"I know but I just can't stand to see him like this."

The two of them were on their way to Xander's apartment. They had decided that someone had to do something to cheer him up and that someone was them. 

"None of us can, well except Spike."

"Do you think this will work?" 

Buffy stopped Willow and looked straight into her eyes and said in her most commanding voice, "Yes."

This seemed to slightly reassurance Willow and they carried on the rest of the way in silence.

*****

"Do you people know what time it is?" Asked Xander through his door.

"Early?" Offered Buffy.

There was no response from the other side of the door. In fact there was no kind of noise from the other side of the door.

"What's taking so long?" Inquired Willow.

"Nothing." Said a distant voice.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing." Was again the response.

"What do you think he is doing?" Willow said turning to Buffy.

"I don't know. Maybe he's cleaning…" Suggested Buffy but looking at Willow's expression and realising who they were talking about she added, "Maybe not."

"Do you think he could be…?" Willow then did her peculiar habit that she uses when she is trying to communicate what she considers a rude word.   

"Could be what?" Said an oblivious Buffy.

"You know."

"Nope."

"You know." Repeated Willow but more forcefully this time.

"Okay I not going to get it if you keep repeating you know.  Is it a rude…oh." It suddenly dawned on Buffy what Willow was talking about.

"Exactly."

"He couldn't…could he?"

"That's what I am asking."

"He couldn't." Said an unsure Buffy.

"He couldn't." Agreed an equally unsure Willow.

They shared a look and then both said in unison, "Nah."

Buffy turned her attention back to the door, "Hey Xander, we aren't getting any younger out here!"

"You won't get any younger in here either."

"Just open the damn door!"

"Alright fine." There followed what sounded like frantic movement and the uttering of numerous swear words (many of which I couldn't possibly repeat here). 

Then the door was opened. The image that was before the girls was of a very wet Xander sporting only a towel with a large brightly coloured exotic bird pattern. It took a minute for both of them to recover from that picture.

"I was taking a shower." Xander said as explanation despite there really being no need for one.

"You couldn't put any clothes on?" Asked Willow, the first one to recover.

"I couldn't find my pants."

"Where did you last put there?" Said Buffy in a strangely distant voice.

"Well I folded them neatly and then placed them gently in a draw."

"Then they should be there." Continued Buffy still in the distant voice.

Xander looked at Willow who shrugged slightly and then back at Buffy.

"But the elves came in the middle of the night and hid them from me."

"That wasn't nice of them…wait did you say elves?"

"Are you going to invite us in or do you want your neighbours to see you talking to two girls in only a towel?" 

"Hmm…" Xander said, pretending to think it over.

"Xander!" 

"Okay, okay but only as long as you two look for my pants."

"If I find them I'm not touching them." 

"I wouldn't mind if I had to touch your pants."

'I bet you wouldn't."

After an extensive search the pants were found and Xander could finally get dressed. 

"So what did I do to earn the pleasure of your company so early in the morning?"

"Apart from saying that?"

"Yes."

"We are here to cheer you up."

"Thanks for the thought but there really is no need."

"Come on this is us Xander."

"I am aware of who you are."

"You don't have to pretend with us."

"I'm not pretending."

"Sure you aren't."

"I'm not."

"Okay."

"I'm glad that you agree."

"Good."

"Fine."

*****

"Xander do we have to watch cartoons?"

"This is my home and my television. We watch what I want to watch."

"But cartoons?"

"They are very educational."

"Really? What have you learned from them?"

"Never buy anything from Acme."

"Acme isn't a company."

"Not anymore it isn't."

"No I mean…oh forget it."

*****

"Do you want to watch a film?"

"Nope."

*****

"I'm bored."

"You have been saying that for the last half an hour."

"I have been bored for the last half an hour."

"Yes but you didn't need to keep telling us."

*****

"I'm bored."

*****

"I'm bored."

"We know!"

"You're not doing anything about it."

"Neither are you."

"I'm telling you I'm bored."

"And that is supposed to…"

"To get you do something to stop me from being bored."

"Why is that my job?"

"Because I'm the Slayer."

"You know one of these days you won't be able to use that to win an argument."

"Yes I will because…"

"I'm the Slayer?"

"Because I have superior argumentative skills."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"And what makes you think that?"

"Because I'm the Slayer."

"I should have seen that coming."

"I saw it coming."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"You two we've having a nice little argument."

"Willow at times you can be very strange."

"I know but it is all part of my lovable charm."

"You have lovable charm?"

"Yes. You didn't notice?"

"No."

"Xander?"

"I noticed."

"There's a surprise."

"Pardon Buffy?"

"Nothing."

"I'm sure you said something."

"I'm sure I didn't."

Xander mumbles something.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

*****

"Well that sucked."

"I told that wouldn't work."

"You did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"I said this just isn't the thing he would get over easily."

"That isn't the same as saying that my plan to cheer him up would fail."

"It is."

"Is not."

"Alright fine."

"What are we going to do about Xander?"

"There is nothing more we can do."

"There has to be something."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Maybe you could take him out on a patrol with you."

"Putting his life at danger would help him how?"

"It will make him feel part of the team."

"I suppose."

"Also it will get him out of that place."

"Yeah what the hell was that smell?"

"I don't want to know."

*****

"So you are going to take him patrolling with you?"

"Yes."

"Okay, goodnight."

"Night…and it is."

"What?"

"Nothing."


	3. I Want To Hold Your Hand

**What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?**

****

Chapter 3 – I Want To Hold Your Hand 

It was your typical dark night in Sunnydale except for it being unusually humid. 

"The night is unusually humid." Said Xander. 

"Uh-huh." Replied Buffy not really paying much attention.

"I should have brought a book."

"You don't read books."

"I meant comic book."

"Oh."

"What do you mean I don't read books?"

"Well, do you?"

"Yes."

"Really? What was the last book you read?"

"Pride and Prejudice."

"And when was that?"

"Three years ago."

"And was that for school?"

"Maybe."

"See."

"Okay fine maybe I don't read books. It is not like I couldn't, I just choose not too."

"I'm not saying you should read books."

"You implied it."

"No I didn't."

"I may not read many books but I can certainly read between the lines."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"No come on, what was that supposed to mean?"

"I know why you wanted me to go patrolling with you."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I'm not stupid. Willow asked you, didn't she?"

"No."

"You're a terrible liar."

"She didn't."

"She so did."

"Okay she might have."

"I knew it!"

"I thought you knew it before?"

"I was only guessing before."

"You were bluffing?"

"I've been practising my poker face."

"That's cheating!"

"No it isn't."

"Okay maybe it isn't but it's certainly not fair."

"Fair to whom?"

"Me."

"Just because it isn't fair to you doesn't mean it isn't fair."

"Yes it does."

"Okay my brain hurts."

"That will teach you to trick me."

"No that will teach me to argue with you."

"Either way you learned something."

"I hate it when that happens."

"So…"

"So?"

"So…"

"You know, this isn't one of the best conversations we have ever had."

"No it isn't, is it?"

"You would think with my humour and you're…"

"Intelligence?"

"That was not what I was going to say but okay. You would think with my humour and your intelligence we would be able to come up with a decent conversation."

"You would think. Although I suppose not all conversations can be good."

"I suppose."

"I mean by the law of averages some have to be terrible."

"Like this one?"

"Like this one."

"Yeah, maybe we shouldn't complain too much if the dialogue is not as good as it usually is."

"Dialogue?"

"I meant conversation."

"Okay."

*****

"So Xander…how are you?"

"I don't think anyone has ever answered that in any way other than fine."

"I'm sure someone has."

"I haven't seen it on television."

"Television isn't everything."

"I know. There are also movies."

"That is not what I meant."

"Who cares what you meant?"

"Me."

"Exactly."

"Exactly what?"

"I don't know but I have heard people say exactly when they are trying to make a point but have forgotten what it was."

"Where did you hear that?…no wait let me guess, television?"

"Yep."

"What a surprise."

"It wasn't a surprise."

"I was being ironic."

"Who's ironic?"

"Ironic is not a person, Xander."

"Then why are you being them?"

"I'm not."

"You said you were."

"No I didn't."

"You said you were being ironic."

"I was."

"Well, who's ironic?"

"Ironic isn't a person."

"But…"

"This is like a sketch by Albert and Costello."

"Who?"

"Very funny."

"O…Kay…"

*****

"So…"

"Let me stop you right there Buffy."

"Why?"

"I know what you are going to say."

"You do?"

"You want to know how I am coping after Anya left."

"Actually I wanted to know if you had a good recipe for rice."

"Which do you want to talk about me and Anya or recipes for rice?"

"Well now that you mention it, how are you coping?"

"The best I can."

"That's a good answer."

"You know the saying, practice makes perfect."

"It's just that we care about you Xander."

"Then why do you all ask me the same annoying question?"

"It's our way of showing it."

"Do you think you could find another way?"

"I don't know I think it is part of the whole friendship thing. When one of your friends breaks up with someone then you have to repeatedly ask them how they are doing. I suppose the idea is that you annoy them back to normal."

"Annoy them back to normal? You just made that up."

"No I didn't it. It is a well-known medical fact. In the middle ages when you got a stabbed by a sword the nurses would ask you how you were doing but, you know, in ye olde English, in the hope that it would annoy you back to health."

"Didn't really work though, did it?"

"Well they weren't as advanced as us. They didn't know the correct function of the how are you doing technique."

"Medical knowledge certainly has come a lot way since the middle ages."

"What a world we live it."

"Exactly."

******

"Buffy there was one thing I wanted to ask you."

"Fire away. You know, with you holding that crossbow that probably wasn't the best choice of words."

"When you were…I mean when you…How did you…"

"Xander?"

"Yeah."

"Is there going to be a question any time soon?"

"Yeah. Well, you see, it is like this…"

"Xander?"

"Yeah."

"Something tells me you want to say something."

"Yeah. Okay, here goes, Buffy when you were…vampire!"

"When I were vampire? That makes no sense."

"No, I said when you were…pause…Vampire!"

"Oh, you meant vampire as in a shout of surprise."

"Yes."

"Which would mean there is a vampire behind me."

"Two actually."

"Okay, excuse me a minute."

_Buffy turned to face the two oncoming vampires. And then proceeds to do lots of aerobatic movements, a few kicks here, a few punches there, you know the drill. Basically both vampires were killed (for the want of a better word) but during the fight Xander got a punch to the face causing a small but very visible cut on his forehead, Buffy of course was unhurt._

"You were saying?"

"Was I saying something?"

"Yes, you spend about five minutes trying to say it and is that a cut on your head?"

Xander's hand went towards the cut, touched it, and returned so he could see the blood on it.

"I'm not a doctor but I would say that it is."

"You better get that taken care of."

"You're pulling me from the game?"

"No, I'm retiring you injured. And anyway there isn't much of a game left. I think those two vamps were the only business tonight."

"Are you sure? I can stay if you want."

"It's okay."

"All right, off home I go."

"Maybe you could work out a way of saying what you want to say."

"Err…yeah."


	4. I Feel Fine

**What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?**

**Chapter 4 – I Feel Fine **

"Hey Xander."

"Hey Buffy."

"What ya doing?"

"Nothing."

"Willow told me."

"She did?"

"You thought she wouldn't?"

"Well, I did tell her not too."

"Since when does she listen to what you say?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you want me to know?"

"It's nothing personal, I didn't want anyone to know."

"Oh…how come you told Willow?"

"I didn't tell her, she here when it happened."

"I'm sorry Xander."

"Yeah…it's okay though. This day had to come."

"But still, it must be hard."

"Not really."

"Xander, it's me, you don't have to pretend."

"I'm not pretending."

"All right fine…but if you need someone to talk to then I'm here for you."

"Err…thanks. But do you mind if you could be over there for me. It's just that I've got to go to work and your sitting on my shirt."

"Oh, sure." Buffy gets up and moves across the room.

"Are you going to be okay?…is not something I am going to ask you."

"Well, thanks for that."

"But you will be okay right?"

"Buff, could we talk about this later."

"Sure…sure, no problem. We can talk about it later."

"Great."

[Pause]

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"Work?"

"Oh, yeah. Work, of course. I'll go and let you get ready."

"See ya then."

"Yeah, see ya."

*****

"Hi Buffy."

"Hey Willow."

"Something wrong?"

"What? Oh, no. Well…how did Xander take it?"

"How do you expect?"

"So he was upset?"

"Yeah."

"Like visibly upset?"

"Well, not visibly. But I could tell he was upset. Wouldn't you be?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"It's just that he seems to be taking it all to well."

"It's that healthy?"

"Not if he is bottling up his feeling."

"You think he is doing that?"

"After what happened I would have thought he would be slightly more affected."

"Now that you mention it, he didn't act all that upset. It was more like a business transaction than...well, you know."

"When I went round you wouldn't have even thought anything was wrong."

"Although Buffy not all break-ups are of the same emotional intensity of yours."

"Yeah I know but they were together for so long."

"Maybe, we're reading too much into this."

"Yeah, maybe."

*****

"Buffy?"

"Hi Xander."

"What you doing outside my apartment? Starting a new career as a stalker?"

"Yeah, I'm starting at the bottom and working my way up."

"What can I do for you?"

"Nothing."

"Buffy, it's late at night and you're sitting outside my apartment. That's not the sort of stuff you do for nothing."

"I just wanted to talk."

"Talk?"

"Yeah…you know Xander..."

"I know what you are going to say."

"How?"

"You have your pity face on."

"My pity face?"

"Yeah, your head tilts slightly to the left, your eyes widen and…well it is your general pity face."

"I didn't know I had different kinds of faces."

"Everyone does. Well except those people who have been horribly disfigured."

"Xander!"

"What?"

"You shouldn't make fun of the horribly disfigured."

"What about the non-horribly disfigured?"

"Xander!"

"Okay, okay, I won't make fun of any kind of disfigured people. Hell, I even won't make fun of you."

"I'll ignore that."

"I would if I were you."

"So, what do you think I was going to talk about?"

"I figure you and Willow are 'worried' about me."

"We are."

"There isn't any need to be."

"There is, Xander."

"I think you two are just overreacting."

"You spent three days in your boxers watching cartoons."

"I was on vacation."

"What about only eating breakfast cereals?"

"They were on special offer."

"And the whole not bathing thing?"

"Water conservation."

"Okay fine, apparently you have any answer for everything."

"Not everything, paradoxes for instance."

"It's just ever since Anya left you…you have been, you know…well, you know."

"Very well put Buffy."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, well I'm sorry my not breaking up in the right way. "

"That's not what I meant."

"What do you what me to do?"

"We don't want you to do anything Xander."

"Maybe you should stop examining my life and maybe have a look at yours."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means."

"I don't think that I do."

"Forget it."

"No come on, tell me what you think."

"It's just that your life isn't a pile of roses at the moment is it?"

"My life is fine."

"Is it? Is sleeping with Spike normal?

"What about Cordelia?"

"What about Cordelia?"

"She wasn't exactly the best choice in the world."

"At least she wasn't a vampire!"

"Like you could tell the difference."

"How about letting someone go because of pride."

"Yeah well, I didn't leave someone at the altar! Did I?"

Xander looked at Buffy and she saw the pain in his eyes. 

His glaze fell onto the ground and he said in a low voice, "No. No you didn't." He then walked away leaving Buffy standing all alone. 


	5. Let It Be

**What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?**

**Chapter 5 – Let It Be**

****

"Oh crap. I can't believe I did that."

"Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about?!? I think of all things this is a perfectly acceptable thing to worry about."

"Okay, you have a right to worry. I'm just saying you shouldn't."

"Of course I shouldn't but worry is not the kind of emotion you get when you are doing something you should be doing."

"It will be fine."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"I've done it too."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Was it okay?"

"After a while."

"Who did you use?"

"Smith & sons. Best locksmiths there are."

"Damn! I went with Teton."

"Teton? Are you mad Xander?"

"I know, but they were cheap."

"There is a reason they are cheap."

"Because they are efficient?"

"Yes, if by efficient you mean completely useless."

"That is what I usually mean by efficient."

"So, what happened with Buffy last night?"

"What do you mean what happened?"

"I didn't mean it that way."

"Which way would that be."

"You know."

"No, please tell me."

"Anyway, how did it go?"

"Fine?"

"You don't sound convinced."

"I'm sorry but I don't usually score my conversations with Buffy."

"Sure you don't."

"Okay, there is something very weird with about you, Willow."

"Good weird?"

"Probably."

"You're not sure?"

"About the moral value of your weirdness? No."

"So, you're not going to tell me what happened then?"

"What is there to tell? We talked. Hardly the kind of thing that would make a great story."

"I suppose."

"Why do you care so much?"

"Well, Buffy has been acting kind of weird."

"Good weird?"

"She seems kind of…well…off."

"Off?"

"Yes."

"Buffy is kind of off?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I have no idea what the hell that is supposed to mean."

"Neither do I."

"Why does that not surprise me?"

"Because you already knew the answer."

"So, Buffy is acting weird?"

"Yeah, at least I think she is."

"You're not really the best judge of weirdness though, are you?"

"I'm telling you, there is something wrong with Mickey Mouse."

"It's okay Willow, I believe you."

"Good."

"What did Dawn say?"

"Can I have some toast?"

"About Buffy?"

"Oh, I didn't speak to her about it."

"Then I definitely won't believe you."

"About the Mickey Mouse thing?"

"About the Buffy thing."

"Oh, that makes more sense."

"That is what I'm all about baby, making sense Xander that is my new nickname."

"It's not much of a nickname."

"Not all nicknames are good."

"Gangster ones are."

"Yeah but gangsters steal all the good ones."

"They do?"

"Oh yeah, they have a whole nickname racketeering thing. They basically run the black nickname market."

"For a minute there I thought you were serious."

"A whole minute? I would have thought you would know better by now."

"So would I."

[Pause]

"So, what are you going to do about the whole Buffy situation?"

"Let it be."


	6. We Can Work It Out

**What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?**

Chapter 6 – We Can Work It Out 

****

"Xander, I didn't mean what I said. It was a heat of the moment thing. I'm sorry. Call me." Buffy put down the phone.

"Not answering?" Asked Willow.

"Nope."

"He could be out."

"He also could be ignoring me for amazing insensitive comment."

"Yeah there is that."

"You're not helping."

"That's not true. I said you should go round and apologise."

"I did."

"It's not my fault that he wasn't there."

"He was."

"He was?"

"Yeah."

"I thought you said he wasn't."

"I said he didn't answer the door."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

"Maybe he is ignoring you then."

"He has every right too."

"It can't have been that bad."

"It was."

"What exactly did you say?"

"I said something about him leaving Anya at the altar."

"That's not that bad."

"It isn't?"

"No, it is. I was just trying to console you."

"Thanks but I don't think there is much chance of that."

"Maybe he isn't upset at all. Maybe he is re-assessing his life and all that. Maybe he is…"

"Maybe he is thinking about how much I hurt him. Maybe he will ignore me for the rest of his life."

"He won't do that."

"How do you know?"

"It's Xander."

"Exactly. It's Xander."

"Okay stop doing that."

"What?"

"Copying what I say but putting a negative spin on it."

"I'm not putting a negative spin, I'm putting on a truth spin."

"You did it again."

"Willow I just said an incredibly hurtful thing to my best friend possibly causing him to never want to see me again and you're talking about that?"

"Okay I might have got my priorities slightly out of whack."

"Slightly?"

"Like you said Buffy, let's focus on the issue at hand."

"Right, focus. That's what we should do, focus."

"Yeah, focus."

"He's never going to see me again, is he?"

"Of course he is."

"How do you know that?"

"Trust me."

"Trust you? Why? What do you know?"

"Okay I think you are missing the whole premise of the trust me plan. You are meant to not ask questions and just, well, trust me."

"I don't like the sound of this plan."

"I could call it something different if you want."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know, just trying to inject some humour in lighten the mood."

"You call that humour?"

"Okay maybe not laugh-out-loud humour..."

"Maybe?"

"…but…I have forgotten what I was going to say."

"You were talking about the trust me plan."

"Oh yeah, just trust me."

Buffy was about to ask another question when the doorbell sounded.

"That's be the pizza I ordered." Said Willow.

"You ordered pizza?"

"Yeah all this moping around feeling sorry for yourself can make you very hungry."

"I hope you didn't order any garlic br…"

Buffy opened the door and froze at the sight of Xander.

"Xander!"

"Hi."


	7. All You Need Is Love

Chapter Seven - All You Need Is Love 

****

Author's note: In an attempt to finish this story (notice the word attempt, well you don't have to if you don't want but I would strongly urge to notice it) I have had to resort to some…I can't bring myself to say the word. Well, you know what I mean. It's not like this is totally unexpected, the first chapter gives you a full warning of what is coming or not coming (I haven't decided yet I might do a Dallas, depends on whether I hate you all or just some of you, you know who you are). This is just to warn those of you who don't like this sort of stuff to not read the following chapter or alternatively you could read the following chapter and just insult me in a review, either way works for me. If you are going to insult me then at least put a little thought into it, if you are not capable of putting a little thought into it then get a parent or guardian to do so. Also don't run with scissors, books with sharp edges, bald men and elephants that have just missed the train to Bishop's Stortford (no not that one, the other one). I think that is all but I have been known to forget the occasional thing like mobile phones, wallets, little sisters, escaped mental patients with a tendency to kill cute ickle rabbits and once I forgot how to spell the word anti-disestablishmentarism (I know, I felt the right fool. And the left one as well, come to think of it. She was a really good-looking bird). So if I have forgotten to say something then it isn't my fault, you can't prove at thing, I was in bed all night long and I have witnesses (oh boy, do I have witnesses). For those of you playing MrPresident's treasure quest…chicken…for those of you who aren't that was probably meaningless, probably I don't know you may have deducted from that, that I am part of a worldwide Jewish conspiracy to rig the Kensington South seat for Parliament (I am by the way but don't tell anyone, especially not your mum). I'm pretty sure there is a Buffy Fan fiction chapter round here somewhere…okay I have been told it is below this.

****

Xander said, "Buffy we need to talk." 

She replied, "Yeah."

****

**_Author's note: I was right it is here._**

****

"I better be going upstairs now because I…" Willow paused as she tried to think of an ending for that sentence but after a couple of seconds she just went upstairs.

"Buffy? I have something to say."

"I have something to say too."

"Okay…do you want to go first?"

"No you can if you want."

"Are you sure? I don't mind."

"I can go first if you don't want too."

"It's not that I don't want to I am doing the gentlemanly thing…oh forget let's just draw straws."

"I think we can decide who gets to go first without resorting to straws."

*****

"Okay how does this work, again?" Said Buffy while Xander cut a straw in half.

"Whomever gets the smallest straw gets to go first."

"All right."

There was tense moment as Buffy pulled one of the two straws out of Xander's grasp. It was the shorter one.

"You first." Gestured Xander.

"Okay…" Buffy hesitated, thinking about what she was going to say. "Sorry."

Xander waited as he assumed that she would carry on but she didn't, "What?"

"I'm sorry."

Xander said in surprise, "That's it?"

"Well yeah."

"We drew straws for that?"

"I told you we shouldn't have drawn straws."

"I thought you had this whole long speech you wanted to give but…but…one word?" 

"Well what were you going to say?"

"I was going to say that I…I…well…I…lets just say it rhymes with dove, you."

"Dove? Dove? …Dove? …Rub? You rub me? Xander I don't know where you think this relationship is going but you there isn't going be any rubbing and you meant you love me, didn't you?"

"Yep."

Buffy said again in shock, "You love me?"

"Yeah but now I kind of wish I wanted to rub you instead."

"Xander?"

"You know like you are a genie or something, not a Disney cartoon Robin Williams voiced genie but more like a…"

"Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Okay."

Buffy lent forward and they kissed. **_(I could go into more detail but I am sure you don't want me to do that)_**

****

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

Xander looked as if he was going to say something but instead simply smiled. This in turn made Buffy smiled and the two of them stood there grinning at each other. And then they moved together again for another kiss. 

"One word?"


	8. The Ballad of Xander and Buffy

Chapter Eight - The Ballad of Xander and Buffy 

As she stood outside of the bathroom door she could see steam emerging from the door. If she didn't know better you would have shouted Fire! Fire! And ran out of the house like a small badger running from a honey-covered spoon, but she did know better. "Buffy? Are you done yet?" Asked Willow. 

There was no answer.

She decided to try again, "Buffy?" Admittedly this doesn't sound like she tried very hard. I mean how hard is to repeat someone's name? Of course that depends on the name because if it were something like Johann then it would be relatively hard to repeat it. However I think you will agree that Buffy isn't a particularly hard name to repeat, it's not a particularly good name either but that is another point for another story for another author for another language for another use of 'for another'. "Buffy?" See what I mean, not hard at all. It doesn't exactly take a brain surgeon to repeat Buffy over and over again, though why a brain surgeon would be more able to pronounce words than someone else is anyone's guess. "Buffy?" I should probably get back to the story. I don't have too, it is not like there is any kind of obligation for me to write a chapter about Buffy or any of the other character (yes, they are just characters)…However thinking about it there may be an obligation since this is a fan fiction in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer section of the website (yes, it is just a website). "Buffy? You done yet?" I just got the weirdest feeling of déjà vu…

"Yeah." The response came from behind the door then suddenly she emerged like someone emerging from something that one emerges from. Basically there was a lot of steam…hmm…steam. Sorry I just had a great mental picture there…just had it again. Okay I'll get back to the story for good now…

"Why all the steam?"

"Evaporation."

"No I meant, why all the steam?"

"…Evaporation."

"Okay…Let's try this one instead. Why so long in the bathroom?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Buffy, you've been in there longer than that fuzzy milk has been in the fridge."

"I told you before, that milk is perfectly fine!"

"Buffy? It has taken over part of the fridge! And anyway I was asking you spend so long in the bathroom. "

"Yes you were."

"Are you going to answer?"

"…No."

"Fine. I'll just go phone Xander and see if…"

"Okay! I'll tell you."

"Man, I'm good. I could have been one of those people who break spies…ooh! I could have been the bad cop in a good cop/bad cop partnership…or I…"

"Err…Willow?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want me to tell you or not?"

"Oh, yeah. Tell me."

"I got a date…with Xander. I have a date with Xander. Xander and I have a date. We are dating."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You and Xander are going on a date?"

"Yeah."

"Xander and you?"

"Yeah."

"You're dating?"

"Yeah."

"It's about time!"

There followed some smiling and hugging, you know, the girly kind of stuff. I won't go into details. Just imagine a friendship scene from practically any American teen-drama.

*****

The corridor leading to her room was decorated with an array of discarded clothes. Dawn wondered what was going on. "What is going on?" She asked. 

Willow, who was standing at the edge of Buffy's room, turned to face Dawn; "She's trying on clothes."

"Why?"

"Its today."

"Today?"

"Well, tonight really."

"Tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I didn't know it was tonight."

Willow looked around at the clothes and then back at Dawn, "its tonight."

"Yeah…What are we talking about?"

"I thought you knew."

"I don't."

"Oh."

"So…"

"Buffy…She's got a…um…date."

"A date?"

"Yeah."

"With who?"

"Xander."

Dawn's voice went so high as to verge on dog territory, "Xander?"

"Yeah."

"Buffy? And Xander?"

"Yeah."

"On a date?"

"Yeah."

"Buffy and Xander on a date?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"That's good…right?"

"Yeah."

"Buffy and Xander?"

"Yeah."

"That's good." 

Another piece of clothing flashed past Willow's eyes and hit the wall before coming to rest upon a large pile. 

"Does she need any help?" Asked Dawn.

"I don't think you are qualified to give the sort of help she needs." Replied Willow. "Oh, you meant clothes-wise. I think it is best if she is left alone, kind of like when a Yak's on heat." 

Dawn looked blankly at Willow.

"What?" Said Willow.

Dawn was about to reply when the doorbell rang. Everyone stopped. Dawn looked at Willow. And Willow looked at Dawn. The fish looked at the other fish. The other fish looked at the original fish. No one looked at the 18th century colonial desk. No one made a sound.

Then suddenly Buffy emerged (that's twice now) from her room looking amazingly beautiful, the way only women going on first dates look.

Willow and Dawn both said at the same time, "Wow."

"Good wow? Or bad wow?" Asked Buffy.

"Good wow." Said Willow.

"Very good." Added Dawn.

There was silence as Dawn and Willow just stared in awe at Buffy. Then…

"Ahem" Xander coughed from behind the front door.

"Xander." Said Willow as if the thought as just entered her head. "You stay here," She said talking to Buffy, "And I'll go let him in."

She opened the door and saw a very smartly dressed Xander. That's not a great description but then I'm too lazy to write great descriptions. Suffice to say, Xander was looking very sharp indeed. "Wow." Said Willow for the second time that night.

"I clean up good, don't I?" Said Xander with a smile.

"Very good."

"Is she ready?"

Before Willow could reply Buffy emerged (third time's the charm) at the top of the stairs and Xander's mouth just dropped. "Wow."

"Yeah." Said Willow.

He hardly blinked as she made her way down the stairs.

"You look…you look…amazing." Said Xander.

"Thanks." Replied Buffy.

The two of them looked at each other and then at Dawn and Willow. They both become very self-conscious as Dawn and Willow smiled back at them. "Shall we go?" Asked Xander.

"Yes." Said Buffy very quickly. 

They were almost as quickly out of the door.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Willow called after them.

Xander was going to say something funny but decided against it mainly because I couldn't think of anything funny for him to say. And so the chapter ends…You can review it by clicking the button at the bottom. Or alternatively you can slap yourself across the face with a small herring. The choice is yours.


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